I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
