i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
