Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
