I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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