Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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