Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
