then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
