You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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