I only kidnapped one of them. chill
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Green mimosas i think yes
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
