her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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