we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
