Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
