fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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