Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
