woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
