Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
