Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
