The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
