Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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