That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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