We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
