Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
