There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
