The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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