I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
