so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
