Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
