Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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