I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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