Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
