exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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