Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
