the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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