Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Randomize
