I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
