I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
