Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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