I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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