Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Everyone says I win the strip club
My vagina is officially offended.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
