Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
