In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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