walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
