Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
