Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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