mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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