I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
