yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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