He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
