This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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