i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
