the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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